Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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