Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
