Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
