So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
