No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
