I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
