Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
