??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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