I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
