just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
