hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
