I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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