I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
