You were right. It hurts to walk today.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
