There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
