She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
