It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
