I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
