I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
