you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
