so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?