Banned from zoo.
Again?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
