I wanna passion pit in your ass
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
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