I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
