Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
