I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
