our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
