I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
