The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
