i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
