you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
