dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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