I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
