I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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