I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
