my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
