Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
