I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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