No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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