Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
