You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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