you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
