Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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