oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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