Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
