All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I should be sponsored by Trojan
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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