I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
