Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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