Just fell off a train. Bad.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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