So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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