cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
