I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Drunk is not a location!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
