she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
