if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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