i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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