Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
